Lament Configuration

(no subject)

Grieving for lost data.  Months or years, I can not tell, lost by arrogance.  All my mind can see now is the time it will take to piece back together, and how much will never be recoverable.  Anger surges, sadness beckons, but like any loss its disturbing how fast we get back into normal life.

(no subject)

A return to the civilized world,
to bakers, grocers, lawyers and such.
Are we prepared to face the cold
when such great warmth lay behind us?

Blarg, stupid mosquito bites.  went camping, and I think they'd pass over people just to get to me.  Should I be worried or perhaps take it as a compliment?  Being tasty ain't nothing to sneeze at ;)  The rest though was most enjoyable.  Conversed with many great people I hope to remain in contact with.  Great fires and peaceful groves, whispering lakes and spinning stars. 

A little quiet time out in the woods, give you time to think, to rumble over your life and the choices you've made, give a little editing to how you do things.  I saw the hermit in my heart, the shadowed miser who sneers and scoffs, with walls built around his home that keep himself in as much as others out.

How, I wonder, if we desired something in ourselves to be a certain way, can we change it, knowing that we don't want to?

How, when looking out the window at the bright and shinning day, could we feel anything but optimistic?  It is a joyous feeling, but never stays.  perhaps I can bottle same, to save for a gloomy day.  

Oh, and if anyone asks, I was never here.

Being pulled down by the though of an impending funeral

A friend of mine passed away a couple days ago, and its thrown my mental structure into disarray.  At the moment, its extremly helpful to write everything down, as it gives substance to the flimsy motes that are my thoughts.  That's what I ussualy end up doing in times of stress anyways, to give some order to things.  most of it ends up going into the 'private' directory though ;)

It makes you take stock of your life.  You don't want to, because in a negative context, but there's little choice in the matter.  What we have and don't, what we've done and havn't, time used, time killed, regrets, rejoices,identity, discontinuity, life, unlife, and what's in between.

Think there's a service on Saturday, so that'll be my weekend plans.  Grief in a painful thing, I'm never quite sure how to alleviate it in others, but I'll try none the less.  I have to try.  I suck at healing people, but I can't see them suffering and do nothing about it.

Their loss gives me pause, and drive me to determination, restoring any connections witih my own people that has faded with lack of use.  Loosing someone through the natural progression of life (i.e. death) I can accept (sort of), but loosing someone through pure inaction on my part is not somethign I can accept.

(no subject)

Okay, we’ve been in 2009 for a month now, so I guess its time for the yearly reviews.  2008 was filled with a mixture of good times and bad, of long stretches of tedium sprinkled with brief moments of frenzied activity.  Like any model, you take measurments long enough and all the results will average out :)

            So, over all, 2008 was an enjoyable year to be in.  I think in the end it comes down to: “Could I have completely done without that year?  Would things in my life be better if I had just skipped it?”.  And I’m going to have to go with ‘no’ on that one.  2008 was a pleasant year, lets hope the others continue in such a fashion.

            2009 already has its work cut out for it, but seems to be off to a great start.  Even with only a month behind us there are things that have made this year worth it.  Great events unfold around us, its very exciting :)


            The book of the week is The Big Con: The Story of the Confidence Man by David Maurer.  The book they used to create the enjoyable flick “The Sting” with Robert Redford and the late Paul Newman.  The Big Con follows the tips, tricks, and esspetially the lingo of the con artists in the early part of the 20th century, through the rise and decline of the confidence game.  And if I didn’t already know what they were saying, I’ve have no clue what they ment.  Reading transcripts of their conversations, I swear it’s a different langauge ;)

oh, right, years was enjoyable, the holiday season was filled with joy, the first two weeks of the year are busy as Locust while the second two are slowed to a crawl.  WOuldn't say i'm happy, but perhaps Content is a better descriptor at the moment.  Not a bad one at that, either.

(no subject)

November, national novel writing month, has come and gone, and once again I’ve failed to meet the goal of a 50,000 word novel. Not that many people have succeeded mind you, and in truth I try not to think of it in such black and white terms of “Success” or “Failure”. Hell, what I’ve written this month is more than I’ve done in the previous eleven. An exercise in motivation I guess, a metaphorical kick in the ass to get me going and all that. Of course its taken me this long just to get exciting about what I’ve got so far, now that I’ve started I hope I can keep the momentum going, its not something I’m keen to loose.

Thanksgiving was a pleasant affair, small and easily controllable, less about the actual reason for the holiday and more along the lines of forced nostalgia, a quiet dinner with family, filled with the familiar smells that evoke all of the memories and emotions that go with them.
Planksgiving was a riotous event, where pirates got together and gave thanks for all the swag they’ve swiped over the past year. Its interesting how different the two were, one with family, one with friends, each for the same general purpose but with voraciously different flavored outcomes.

(no subject)

Twas a dark and stormy night. Hey, I don’t get to say that often in California :) but in this case it was true. Even rained a bit. Halloween night was esspetially gloomy this year, most appropirate.

I always enjoy costume parties, specifically what it does to the people attending them.
They seems more comfortable in their skin (well, other peoples skin technically), those layers of neurosis and stiff social contrivances seems to melt away when masks are donned. I don’t know, it seems like mabye a few hours having someone not be themselves does them a world of good, as the day after everyones mood seems to have improved, besides the usual weekend moral boost.

As Samhain winds to a close, we raise a glass to toast those gone before, to fond memories of friends and family, who are never truly out of reach.

(no subject)

Okay, I admit, I may be a bit embittered on the concept of love, but I have to admit, I do enjoy weddings. The joy that radiates off the people there, its practically palpable. That look in their eyes, like nothing from then on could ever go wrong, filled with hope and peace, as if they were in the calm eye of the chaotic storm that is life. You just want to freeze that moment, because for one brief moment you can see everything, can see perfection.

(no subject)

Saw a shooting star (or meteor) last night. Wasn’t plannning on it, there was no scheduled astroid shower or meteor swarm like that. I was just getting something from the car and I stopped to look at the sky for a few seconds and voom, there it went. It felt kinda nice, that those things still happen without forethought or effort, makes the world seem that much more special.

My aunt's getting married this friday, just in case Proposition 8 gets approved. I hope it goes well. I've seen other marriages that were 'forced' into expediency because of certain issues, and most of those havn't gone well. Doing it because you have to doesn't seem the best way to go, but far better to get married now than never I guess.

(no subject)

Slightly productive day. I gained understanding of the universe, spilt the blood of my adversary, and brought light unto darkness. Okay, technically true, I just enjoy adding some color to my musings :)

(no subject)

Three years. I've decided three years, maybe a bit more. That's how long my memory lasts. anything past that leaves Memory and turns into Fact. I havn't figured out the exact exchange rate yet, but that's close enough. Guess it gives me motivation to write here more often.

I'm in the midsts of a crazy busy couple of weeks, with is pretty surprising as I'm only part time employed with almost no social life. Things just kinda snuck up on me, all of a sudden *BOOM* I actualy have to schedule stuff so things won't conflict. Crazy.
The highlight of this week was the Rain Dance yesterday. Very fun, quite productive too. Pulled a muscle in my leg from the dancing, but its almost healed, and was quite worth it.

I've been on a new music kick for the last week or so. Not new to the world music, just new to me, as that's a much larger category :) True, there are always new songs coming out, but there are ten times that number of musicians whom I've never heard of and yet would enjoy. Its a bit tough, trying to shift through the dross, the indistinguishable, and the stuff that's even too weird for me, but more than a few gems have risen to the surface, so I'd say its productive.

The increased activity these past weeks have re-united me with some old friends I'd long since thought too far gone to be acquainted with and other who I'd not seen in a month or two but with my track record I keep expecting it to be longer. Though this has filled me with a comforting sense of nostalgia for re-connecting, it also bring on a sort of sadness for the ones who I've little hope of ever seeing again. There are even some who are in the area, yet with conflicting schedules and lives it may be many more months till we reconnect. I sometimes wonder if it'd be easier to go back and be a hermit :D

Sticks and stones may break your bones
when there's anger to inpart.
Spiteful words can hurt your feelings
but silence breaks your heart.