Just playing another hand...|
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|Wednesday, August 19th, 2009|
Grieving for lost data. Months or years, I can not tell, lost by arrogance. All my mind can see now is the time it will take to piece back together, and how much will never be recoverable. Anger surges, sadness beckons, but like any loss its disturbing how fast we get back into normal life.
|Monday, August 17th, 2009|
A return to the civilized world,
to bakers, grocers, lawyers and such.
Are we prepared to face the cold
when such great warmth lay behind us?
Blarg, stupid mosquito bites. went camping, and I think they'd pass over people just to get to me. Should I be worried or perhaps take it as a compliment? Being tasty ain't nothing to sneeze at ;) The rest though was most enjoyable. Conversed with many great people I hope to remain in contact with. Great fires and peaceful groves, whispering lakes and spinning stars.
A little quiet time out in the woods, give you time to think, to rumble over your life and the choices you've made, give a little editing to how you do things. I saw the hermit in my heart, the shadowed miser who sneers and scoffs, with walls built around his home that keep himself in as much as others out.
How, I wonder, if we desired something in ourselves to be a certain way, can we change it, knowing that we don't want to?
How, when looking out the window at the bright and shinning day, could we feel anything but optimistic? It is a joyous feeling, but never stays. perhaps I can bottle same, to save for a gloomy day.
Oh, and if anyone asks, I was never here.
|Wednesday, April 8th, 2009|
|Being pulled down by the though of an impending funeral
A friend of mine passed away a couple days ago, and its thrown my mental structure into disarray. At the moment, its extremly helpful to write everything down, as it gives substance to the flimsy motes that are my thoughts. That's what I ussualy end up doing in times of stress anyways, to give some order to things. most of it ends up going into the 'private' directory though ;)
It makes you take stock of your life. You don't want to, because in a negative context, but there's little choice in the matter. What we have and don't, what we've done and havn't, time used, time killed, regrets, rejoices,identity, discontinuity, life, unlife, and what's in between.
Think there's a service on Saturday, so that'll be my weekend plans. Grief in a painful thing, I'm never quite sure how to alleviate it in others, but I'll try none the less. I have to try. I suck at healing people, but I can't see them suffering and do nothing about it.
Their loss gives me pause, and drive me to determination, restoring any connections witih my own people that has faded with lack of use. Loosing someone through the natural progression of life (i.e. death) I can accept (sort of), but loosing someone through pure inaction on my part is not somethign I can accept.
|Saturday, January 31st, 2009|
Okay, we’ve been in 2009 for a month now, so I guess its time for the yearly reviews. 2008 was filled with a mixture of good times and bad, of long stretches of tedium sprinkled with brief moments of frenzied activity. Like any model, you take measurments long enough and all the results will average out :)
So, over all, 2008 was an enjoyable year to be in. I think in the end it comes down to: “Could I have completely done without that year? Would things in my life be better if I had just skipped it?”. And I’m going to have to go with ‘no’ on that one. 2008 was a pleasant year, lets hope the others continue in such a fashion.
2009 already has its work cut out for it, but seems to be off to a great start. Even with only a month behind us there are things that have made this year worth it. Great events unfold around us, its very exciting :)
The book of the week is The Big Con: The Story of the Confidence Man by David Maurer. The book they used to create the enjoyable flick “The Sting” with Robert Redford and the late Paul Newman. The Big Con follows the tips, tricks, and esspetially the lingo of the con artists in the early part of the 20th century, through the rise and decline of the confidence game. And if I didn’t already know what they were saying, I’ve have no clue what they ment. Reading transcripts of their conversations, I swear it’s a different langauge ;)
oh, right, specifics...ummm....new years was enjoyable, the holiday season was filled with joy, the first two weeks of the year are busy as Locust while the second two are slowed to a crawl. WOuldn't say i'm happy, but perhaps Content is a better descriptor at the moment. Not a bad one at that, either.
|Monday, December 1st, 2008|
November, national novel writing month, has come and gone, and once again I’ve failed to meet the goal of a 50,000 word novel. Not that many people have succeeded mind you, and in truth I try not to think of it in such black and white terms of “Success” or “Failure”. Hell, what I’ve written this month is more than I’ve done in the previous eleven. An exercise in motivation I guess, a metaphorical kick in the ass to get me going and all that. Of course its taken me this long just to get exciting about what I’ve got so far, now that I’ve started I hope I can keep the momentum going, its not something I’m keen to loose.
Thanksgiving was a pleasant affair, small and easily controllable, less about the actual reason for the holiday and more along the lines of forced nostalgia, a quiet dinner with family, filled with the familiar smells that evoke all of the memories and emotions that go with them.
Planksgiving was a riotous event, where pirates got together and gave thanks for all the swag they’ve swiped over the past year. Its interesting how different the two were, one with family, one with friends, each for the same general purpose but with voraciously different flavored outcomes.
|Saturday, November 1st, 2008|
Twas a dark and stormy night. Hey, I don’t get to say that often in California :) but in this case it was true. Even rained a bit. Halloween night was esspetially gloomy this year, most appropirate.
I always enjoy costume parties, specifically what it does to the people attending them.
They seems more comfortable in their skin (well, other peoples skin technically), those layers of neurosis and stiff social contrivances seems to melt away when masks are donned. I don’t know, it seems like mabye a few hours having someone not
be themselves does them a world of good, as the day after everyones mood seems to have improved, besides the usual weekend moral boost.
As Samhain winds to a close, we raise a glass to toast those gone before, to fond memories of friends and family, who are never truly out of reach.
|Saturday, October 25th, 2008|
Okay, I admit, I may be a bit embittered on the concept of love, but I have to admit, I do enjoy weddings. The joy that radiates off the people there, its practically palpable. That look in their eyes, like nothing from then on could ever go wrong, filled with hope and peace, as if they were in the calm eye of the chaotic storm that is life. You just want to freeze that moment, because for one brief moment you can see everything, can see perfection.
|Friday, October 24th, 2008|
Saw a shooting star (or meteor) last night. Wasn’t plannning on it, there was no scheduled astroid shower or meteor swarm like that. I was just getting something from the car and I stopped to look at the sky for a few seconds and voom, there it went. It felt kinda nice, that those things still happen without forethought or effort, makes the world seem that much more special.
My aunt's getting married this friday, just in case Proposition 8 gets approved. I hope it goes well. I've seen other marriages that were 'forced' into expediency because of certain issues, and most of those havn't gone well. Doing it because you have to doesn't seem the best way to go, but far better to get married now than never I guess.
|Friday, October 17th, 2008|
Slightly productive day. I gained understanding of the universe, spilt the blood of my adversary, and brought light unto darkness. Okay, technically true, I just enjoy adding some color to my musings :)
|Tuesday, October 7th, 2008|
Three years. I've decided three years, maybe a bit more. That's how long my memory lasts. anything past that leaves Memory and turns into Fact. I havn't figured out the exact exchange rate yet, but that's close enough. Guess it gives me motivation to write here more often.
I'm in the midsts of a crazy busy couple of weeks, with is pretty surprising as I'm only part time employed with almost no social life. Things just kinda snuck up on me, all of a sudden *BOOM* I actualy have to schedule stuff so things won't conflict. Crazy.
The highlight of this week was the Rain Dance yesterday. Very fun, quite productive too. Pulled a muscle in my leg from the dancing, but its almost healed, and was quite worth it.
I've been on a new music kick for the last week or so. Not new to the world music, just new to me, as that's a much larger category :) True, there are always new songs coming out, but there are ten times that number of musicians whom I've never heard of and yet would enjoy. Its a bit tough, trying to shift through the dross, the indistinguishable, and the stuff that's even too weird for me, but more than a few gems have risen to the surface, so I'd say its productive.
The increased activity these past weeks have re-united me with some old friends I'd long since thought too far gone to be acquainted with and other who I'd not seen in a month or two but with my track record I keep expecting it to be longer. Though this has filled me with a comforting sense of nostalgia for re-connecting, it also bring on a sort of sadness for the ones who I've little hope of ever seeing again. There are even some who are in the area, yet with conflicting schedules and lives it may be many more months till we reconnect. I sometimes wonder if it'd be easier to go back and be a hermit :DSticks and stones may break your bones
when there's anger to inpart.
Spiteful words can hurt your feelings
but silence breaks your heart.
|Saturday, September 6th, 2008|
I enjoy getting lost. it always leads to something new. If I can get past the frustration of not being able to obtain my original destination, its actually quite enjoyable. I'll often see things I wouldn't normally when I take an unused route. and anything new is good :)
I guess, at its basic level, its about changing your routine, from the stagnant repetition to something fresh and unexpected.
|Sunday, August 31st, 2008|
gaaah, stupid daylight. Sunburn....painful! got an ugly one yesterday consisting of my face, arms and neck. While its fading now, that reddish tone doesn't seem to go away, especially that red 'V' at the top of my chest which is quite noticeable when compared to the whitish skin normally covered by my shirt. Afterwards I'd smacked myself in the head for not remembering sunscreen, and today applied it to the effected areas, fully confident that I'd be protected. unfortunately, remember how warm it was yesterday, I also wore shorts. So, while yesterday's sunburned areas were not adversely effected and can continue their healing process, my legs burn like a sonofabitch! Its amazing, I can actually feel my skin burning, even after hours have passed.
I recently made the association of a fellow I was assisting who is a handyman by occupation, which has him spending the majority of his work hours outside. Adding to the fact that the normally hidden parts of his skin are quite fair, and his hair is as red is mine, I got a rather ugly glimpse at what my skin could look like in twenty plus years with continued excess sun exposure. It ain't pretty. the burns aren't bad, or health risking, just kinda painful and discoloring. Hrm, I guess this is more about ascetics (rather than health) than I thought. Okay, I admit, I've got some vanity....just a little though :)
|Friday, August 29th, 2008|
Note to self: update more often. If I don’t write things down soon enough, they begin to fade from my head at an increasingly alarming rate.
The wedding was lovely. An interesting cowboy theme…well, not like some weddings have a costumed theme to make things interesting, this one had actual cowboys. Heck, the reception hall was a barn :) Still, was very nice. Weddings are interesting, overall. They often let me see how interesting the changes that can come over people, the huge flashes of emotions, the great alterations in appearance (and believe me, some of those people really pulled out all the stops). The rest of the foray in Oregon was mostly spent with my cousin (the surfer) on the coast. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed beaches till then. Leaving SLO had really done a number on me, I guess it just took this long to really hit home. Because really, a beach a sunset? I will kill for. So watch out.
|Friday, August 15th, 2008|
has had an interesting few weeks, some great musical experiences, a few nights and days I'd rather not forget. Though I havn't seen people as much as I'd like. Its been more like spikes of intense activity followed by longer periods of mediocre and empty time. Still, good times over all.
Got waaay to much sun over the last few days, it makes a rather stark contract to the rest of my white-guy skin.
Out of town for the weekend, big wedding, try not to let the place fall to ruin while I'm away.
|Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008|
|Dammit, how hard do I have to dance for some rain around here?!
Been an interesting few days. Had the 10 year memorial for my uncle on early Sat. Amazing how time flies past us. Still, good to see the family and folks that came down, its always an adventure with them :) Visited Ade while I was at the cemetery, always comforting to say 'Hi' when I'm in the area.
Spent the rest of the day being productive, warming the Kim's house by the standard method, it hasn't failed us so far. Plus its easier and much less complicated that some of the others ways ;)
Sunday was a blast. Helped provide some of the musical support for a group of belly dancers, wish I'd gotten some pictures but I get distracted far too easily. It would have interrupted the rhythm anyways, plus I know I saw someone taking pics, I just gotta track 'em down.
Monday had its usually drain, but the evening event proved to be uplifting. Still have to check out Dark Knight before everyone spoils it for me. mabye sometime this week
Attempting to carve a small wooden dog, far more difficult than I originally surmised. Still an interesting experience
And that's the excitment for the week.
|Tuesday, July 1st, 2008|
I hath returned, from deep in the eastern stormlands. I see Someone set this place ablaze while I was gone. Naughty folks, not including me in your fun ;)
|Monday, June 23rd, 2008|
Okay, which of you knocked off George Carlin? I was quite fond of the fellow, had great plans for him, then BOOM! And you made it look like heart failure too. Sneaky, I'll give you that, but still totally uncalled for.
Still on the road. Vacation, you could call it, though its beginning to grate on me. I'm tired of strangers and unfamiliar places, for despite how interesting they can be the lack of familiarity is a great weight that continues to press down upon me. Not that it hasn't been enjoyable, goodness no. I do need to take more pictures though, I missed several exciting moments that I would have loved to record pictorially, especially as I think my memory only goes back 3 year or so, everything else is sort of a blur ;)
The last couple of days have been spent struggling not to take things so seriously. I've been filled with a sort of cold logic for the past month or so, necessary for what I was doing, but not very pleasant. Normally I don't have trouble getting away from something like that, but recently i've had trouble regulating my stability. Its an exhausting endeavor, though well worth it in the long run.
|Friday, June 13th, 2008|
Done and Gone. About to leave for the roadtrip, will return in about a fortnight, perhaps a bit more, apologies to people who'll be around. Try not to get into too much trouble, esspetially the interesting sort, I'd hate to miss it ;)
|Sunday, June 1st, 2008|
Coming down off the energy high from delving into the group of singers, dancers, and musicians. It was....exhilarating. I'll probably expand on that later, I'm just so frazzled right now. Didn't ground properly afterwards and I got lost on the way back ;)
Right now I'm in the state of in between exhaustion and hyper-excitement, so my eyes are trying to close and burst open simultaneously. Don't know if I"m going to be able to convert myself to 'monday-thinking' for tomarrow, but i'll give it a shot ;)
|Friday, May 23rd, 2008|
My memory for dates recently has dissolved, leaving me in the situation where I know things have happened, I just have no idea when. example: attempting to remember when two of my friends had hooked up. My head says "They were always a couple" but I know that isn't true. I swear, its like anything before 2 years ago didn't exist.
Though, to be fair, It dosn't really matter to me, when I consider the situation, but it's a bit irritating having gaps in my head big enough to drive a truck through :(